An Inspirational Love Story Torn Apart By Tragedy

I had to somehow show my beautiful children how to deal with loss and hardship and how to cry without embarrassment or shame, and despite all that sadness and grief in your heart, how to KEEP GOING – Amber Langworthy

♥ Written by Amber Langworthy.

♥ Editor – Emmy Love.

Editors Introduction: This is the love story of a beautiful and courageous woman who after a challenging divorce which tested who she was, finally found her true love, her soul mate, best friend and soon to be husband.

After the man of her dreams flies from America to finally be with her in New Zealand, a tragic and unexpected twist separates these soul mates in one sudden final breath.

So, just how do you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and life, and build a new future? This is something this woman has had to figure out, as she shares some of her journey with coping with the sudden death of her true love right before they were going to start a life together.

This is not only a love story, however, but a story of a brave woman who wanted to give up, but she chose to fight like a warrior through the pain, the grief and the sorrow that paralyzed her soul and future life with her true love. Now she’s inspiring many people from around the world with her vulnerability, her strength, and her story, that she now chooses to share with you.

              The Love Story Of Amber Langworthy and Evan Mudd

Amber Langworthy and Evan Mudd

Amber Langworthy: Our incredible once-in-a-lifetime love story and my enormous tale of love and loss and love found again. This is a real-life fairytale between two very real people that was brought to me when divine timing would finally let me have it.

This man came into my life like a true fairy tale, complete with love at first sight, and at a time when my life felt like it was falling apart and I was quickly losing the last of my strength and courage. I didn’t even realize I was perfectly primed for my rescue when the universe stepped in and brought me, my prince.

Suddenly though, there he was… my perfectly, imperfect human. Unplanned, unexpected, and exciting, but with a feeling totally undeniable and natural, like we’d met here once before. The Disney Princess inside of me seemed to wake up after all that time as if I had really just been waiting for true loves first kiss.

But like all great fairytales, along with all their glory and romantic splendor, ours is not without heart-wrenching tragedy too. Except for this time, the story was real life, and I was about to find out that nothing can prepare you for the big lessons like this…

It was October 30th, 2018 when I said “YES!” as he slipped that beautiful ring on my finger… I still remember so clearly, feeling that promise of forever with my favorite human. The way it felt to be in love with my best friend, so perfect and mutual, excited to start forever together… both of us blissfully unaware that 12 hours later, and in the blink of an eye, he would be gone in an instant.

I can still feel the fear of every second that passed in those moments… totally out of my mind and refusing to believe I was losing the love of my life in front of my eyes. The trauma continuing to unfold in front of me, as I desperately tried to do CPR with the directions they were giving over the phone. All those grief-stricken days that followed, from having to deal with my own emotions, and those of my children; to having to watch his parents in their own agony and heartache. Depression eventually began eating me alive and manifesting itself inside my body.

All to what eventually came around full circle; my journey into finding the love that, in fact, never left me… just when I thought all was lost, I discovered my blind faith leading me unknowingly, step by step, to finding Evi again…

♥ The 9th Day:

Oh, Evi…

It’s been 9 days since my life changed forever. 9 days that I’ve managed to keep breathing, somehow continuing to exist after that day, when I got out of the shower to find my best friend lying on my couch, lips already turned blue. 9 days since I lost my mind trying to save you, thumping on your chest and screaming in fear because you weren’t breathing. 9 days since you died on my floor.

How I’ve made it 9 days, I’ll never know. The weight in my chest feels almost too heavy to move at all. It’s been 6 days since you “officially” died in my arms, moments after taken off life support. I held you for all those days in between, so scared to leave you, even if you never knew I was there… snuggled in next to your body, holding you and kissing you, telling you of all the love I had for you, and the thousands of hearts that all miss you now.

My God, do your friends all miss you now. I’ve never witnessed anything like it. Their love for you is so strong, that they reach out to take care of me too. You really are that special… but we all knew that.

Amber Langworthy, Evan Mudd, and Friends.

You came into my life like an angel, carrying me through what I thought was the hardest year of my life. You were my rock, and there’s no doubt in my mind, that I never would have had the strength to get through it all…but I imagine, that’s how angels work. They come into your life and help carry you until you’re strong enough on your own. And maybe that’s all you knew I needed, and your job here was done.

But as it turns out, I didn’t even know what hard was, until I lost you. I never really knew what real fear tasted like, what real grief and despair felt like, until now.

Because this part of loving you so much hurts so fucking bad. The massive hole that’s left in my heart, from where you once were, is an emptiness inside of me that I had no concept of… oh sure, I THOUGHT I knew how much it hurt to lose a loved one… but anyone that’s suffered loss like this, from that one human that’s so close to you, are the only ones that really know.

It reminds me of giving birth to my first baby and discovering what it felt like to truly fall in love. And just like losing you, Evi, I THOUGHT I knew what love felt like… until I actually found out.

Everyone tells me that it will get easier with time, and I sure hope they’re right. But I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Because the truth is, I just don’t know. I’ve never lost my best friend, lover, and soulmate… I’ve never lost an Evi before.

The hardest part is knowing that I have so long to wait to see you again. God willing, I have another half of a lifetime or more still to live. And I’m so scared to lose the clarity of my memories of you, the sound of your voice, the feel of your touch… I couldn’t be more grateful, more proud, to be wearing your ring. I feel so cheated that we didn’t get our wedding, but being asked to share your life with you, is a damn close second.

Right now I’m living for the moment I get to see you again when I get to go home to the warmth and security and comfort of your arms… but I have a few very special boys to raise first. And they deserve to have a Mother that continues to give them everything, all the love and time that children need, and everything else that I always wanted for them.

And truth be told, they are everything that is pulling me through this, and I am so proud of them, and you. We all cried together last night, cherishing each of our own special memories of you. I’m so proud of them for being such loving boys, and for being able to express it. I am so proud that even in your small window of time with them, what an enormous, loving, and lasting memorable impression you made on them…
BTW, Case told me about the candy you let him hide for himself under his clothes in the closet… in this case, you’re so lucky you’re already dead 😜💔

Evan Mudd with Amber Langworthy’s sons Zane, Jonas, and Case. They each drew an image of what they thought heaven looked like with Evan in it.

 

Anyways… all I really wanted to say, is I fucking miss you. And I wasn’t ready. 50 years from now, I probably still wouldn’t have been… and I know I speak for so many when I say that. The boys and I love you so much, and you are in our hearts and on our minds with every passing breath…

See you soon, my sweet Evi xxx

♥ The Third Month:

It was 3 months after his passing, that I went to America for the second time, to finish the last of packing Evi’s apartment… That day was a breaking point for me, and my boys will probably always remember how it looked to see me fall apart that morning… I can hardly force myself to imagine how that felt for them to watch, it breaks my heart to even think. For all I tried to keep it together for their sake, I still feel like their resilience was what inspired me the most. The way they stepped up when times got tough, is easily one of my proudest moments as a Mother.

Luckily, the darkest day is always followed by the dawn, and while I couldn’t see it at the time through all my blinding heartache, it would be on this trip to finish packing his apartment, that I was about to experience the most pivotal moment in my journey through grief – that one defining moment that lit my soul on fire again, and inspired my desire to start writing it all down…

♥ For the love of Evan Mudd 

I’ve been waiting patiently to be inspired to write another chapter in mine and Evi’s greatest love story. 

Inspiration needing to be something more than just sadness, because that’s not really who I am, or Evan was. Writing brings me so much joy and so did Evi… I can’t think of a better topic in this whole wild world. 

And so I waited. 

I waited through being hospitalized on my birthday for a blood clot in my leg; where I went to the same hospital and had the same ER Doctor as Evi, exactly 6 weeks from the forever life-altering trauma.

It was the moment I saw that same Doctors face coming through the door that made me think that what I was feeling must be what they call PTSD. Again, another experience to add more empathy to be felt by my future superhero heart. 

I couldn’t walk at all, my leg was twice the size and purple, and I was forced to lay in a hospital bed all alone for 5 days with nothing to do but get stuck in my deep sorrow for Evi.

I knew I wasn’t going to write about that, there was no happy twist. Depression was becoming something I could identify with, a feeling I had truly never felt before. And for the first time, I couldn’t use exercise OR alcohol to cope either. 

I had to somehow show my beautiful children how to do loss and hardship well- how to cry without embarrassment or shame, and despite all that sadness and grief in your heart, how to KEEP GOING. How to learn to find love and happiness again, without ever feeling like you’re leaving that love behind you. They really need me to lead by example… after all, the boys lost an Evi too. 

They watched me love him and lose him and the aching sadness that no doubt covered us all because of the power of emotion. 

And the guilt you feel because turning the grief into love and pouring all that into them, just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the same kind of love. 

And so the slippery slope of sadness continued… and what nobody tells you is that real love –really deep, deep love– that it gets harder over time. Not easier. 

He was my best friend, my anti-anxiety, my lover, my future, all my phone calls and everyday love and laughter. My cheerleader and biggest fan, my happiness, and my sunshine and all my rainbows. 

And then he was gone. 

How do you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and life, and build a new future? I didn’t want a new future. I wanted the one I had with Evi!

His death seemed unfair, unexpected, and so unwanted. I thought for sure he went before he was supposed to, and I know I’m not the only one that starts to question their belief system. What does anyone do to deserve this… him, me, his parents, my children, we had all been cheated. 

Well, anyone that knows Evan Mudd, knows his love and life, his SOUL, is way bigger than just disappearing off into the unknown. 

I should have known better…

Personal messages from Evan. (supplied by Amber Langworthy)

Despite my dang leg still not yet healed, I left for America to finish packing his apartment. Though it would have been an easy reason to say no, I wouldn’t have it any other way, and equally, because as a parent myself, I’d want someone else that loved him to do this hard part for me. The only thing crueler than losing my Evi would be losing my own children, and no one should have to experience that. But, they had too. It actually never even felt like helping, it was just doing what clearly needed to be done by me. The world can be so cruel.

Lisa Harvey, as always been my wingman, and helped me do this massive emotional feat because both of us know exactly how weird things get with a close loss. (I’m so lucky to have you, Lisa). 

I had to to be forced into feeling this version of spirituality. I’ve definitely learned that you start to see life through totally different eyes, look at everything a little closer, a little longer, spend more time alone, practicing mindfulness as a byproduct. It’s all absolutely true. It also helps to have someone around that doesn’t think you’ve just lost your marbles when you say out loud, all the things your thinking about, that you saw with your new set of eyes.

Everything we had packed on the last trip, which was dedicated to moving all the smaller stuff and personal items, I divided and re-homed, with all intent and purpose. Everything had a place. Evan’s friends deserved memories and the perfect reminders of his love for them, his tools donated to the apprentices at his job, baby stuff and reminders of his youth for his parents. 

My heart wouldn’t allow anything touched by Evan Mudd to go to waste. It all needed a home. Anyone that’s lost their human will totally get it. 

And so, the last time Lisa and I both thought it was a little strange, but we didn’t say anything out loud, that I had left only Evi’s handsome man shirt hanging in the closet, almost a morbid display of him being gone but still here. It was a long-sleeved, blue, button-up shirt with a black vest and a tie. He was beautiful in it. I didn’t know why, but it just didn’t have the perfect home yet. What I didn’t know, was that it had a much BIGGER job to do.

I didn’t even notice that maybe my mindfulness was being guided…

The comforter set that we had bought for his bed, also didn’t make it home with me last time. I just had way too much packed, and I remember being so sad to leave it for the next round of packing. Focused only on how happy I was to bring it home with me this time, I was totally unaware that it too, also had a way bigger job coming up in changing my whole perspective… 

We had an unexpected emotional rush of love and sadness when I pulled off the lid of my personal box of pictures, only to find the beautiful face of Lisa’s sister who died far too young. ( Christa, smiling up at us). Lisa and I were stunned and immediately not shocked at all. Of course, she would remind us that she was up in heaven with Evi! 

As the movers got all the furniture into storage, and we got all the last of his things… all the while we talked about how it’s kinda strange that it all came together, after all that work and wild interruptions, and even having to stop and rest my leg for a day at a time after pushing through the long flights; all came together on the day before the 3rd month anniversary of his death. 

Personal messages from Evan. (supplied by Amber Langworthy)

Totally unintentional planning on our part, combined with what we both felt was a deeper sadness and a different energy in the apartment this time around. 

Of course, this was easily brushed off as an obvious feeling when you’re about to shut the door for the very last time ever. 

The place where so much of our love resided, so many memories I hold so dear to my heart. Walking down the stairs for the last time, pushing the buttons of the elevator for the last time… leaving the parking garage and driving away from the happiest time of my life. Realizing that despite being so happy to do this job out of all the love in my whole heart, I had also at the same time, removed even more of Evi’s footprint in the world. 

There was now hardly any visible evidence of his life here on earth. A feeling almost too sad to write. 

Blindly guided by the energy of the universe, we talked about all the small beauty of the world that surrounded us that day – the bold, beautiful colours of the sunset, the views of the mountain top, all with the love of friendship that is so much more appreciated when you know what it means to lose those closest to you. 

It was late, but we made it home that night. 

Looking back, living in the moment and taking the time to really see the beauty that’s everywhere, started then. 

By another weird twist of fate, I just so happen to run into my Orcas roommate that week, from the house that I rented a bedroom in. Unknown to me at the time, it would become the setting of the first half of my greatest love story. 

I didn’t even give it much thought in my head as a place to stay, because it was meant to have been sold earlier in the year. He lovingly offered me up that bedroom to stay in once again, and I was so thankful to have somewhere familiar to rest my leg. 

This bedroom was found for me by Evan, the week we first fell in love, after needing a quick solution for renting a place to stay while I was here for work. It was winter time last year when we moved me in, so it felt rough like the weather is now… 

That time in my life is so unforgettable, and just like a quote I once saw…

              “Your soulmate is the stranger you’ll recognize” 

I can’t think of a better way to describe the way it felt when we met.️ Love at first haircut, of course.  😉

I’ll never forget the moment we looked at the coat rack to see both of our leather jackets hanging there; my little, cute black one next to his big, giant one. Matching from the beginning even. My father sitting behind us watching the whole thing… if Evi was nervous, he sure never let on. 

Amber Langworthy and Evan Mudd

That first week falling in love with Evi was the stuff movies are made of. No need to bore you with the details… but that bedroom holds all the secrets. 

It was the place I’d stay for work so many times, after flying in from New Zealand. So many countless hours and days and sleepless nights we’d be together and awake, rather than apart and sleeping. 

That bedroom represented a place of peace for me, an escape from my hard, abusive divorce atmosphere in New Zealand, and the place where I could return to the comfort and excitement of our love. The house sits almost on the water, and the bedroom is almost half windows, so it feels almost like being out on a boat on the water. And because the windows let in so much light, I even felt like I never really had to go outside to be in nature, and with long hours in the salon, you don’t really want to leave your bed on your days off anyway. So Evi and I wouldn’t.

Between those 4 walls and all those windows and the beautiful rolling sea outside, the vast majority of all those first feelings of falling hopelessly for another human… they all exist in there. I had no idea I’d be starting the best and worst year of my life and ultimately my biggest, greatest, most equal and timeless love affair. My fairytale… and a love that would shape the way love looked in my eyes forever. 

But at the time I wasn’t thinking those thoughts at all. I had replaced most of my headspace with the sadness and grief of losing Evi, and now even weird guilt for removing the last of him from the planet. 

I was even starting to feel like the memories were getting fuzzy way too fast, and being so isolated from our friends and families in New Zealand, I was questioning whether it felt like it had even happened at all. My heart and soul were so heavy, it was impossible to feel any other way. 

We arrived at the house in the dark, to what would normally feel like a big, cold and empty house, weirdly unafraid of the darkness that would normally make me really uncomfortable. 

The house, especially upstairs, has a super distinct smell to it. Not offensive in any way, but slightly older and musty with the sea so close, completely unique in itself. 

No thoughts in my mind except bringing all my suitcases up, I started walking up the stairs to my old bedroom that had last seen us both in it together… 

And just like a brick wall, the powerful impact your sense of smell has on your memory, it hits me. Our love. It’s the smell of falling in love with Evan. 

I am hit by the intensity so much, that suddenly I can see it, remember it, FEEL it everywhere. All of our precious and irreplaceable memories. The way it felt to love him and be loved by him- all of it came flooding back to me. At a time when I was so lost and scared to lose all of those things forever…

It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I’d immediately be walking through memory lane like that. 

I walked into the bedroom and it felt just like coming home. I could feel him all around me. It was the feeling of coming back to life after being so dead inside. And just like meeting Evi and finding him when I wasn’t even looking… I found him again.

As I put my things away, and Lisa had left, I let the tears flow. Crying and talking to him, I set the room up, not noticing still, what I’m really doing. All night I did my laundry and walked all around the house as I needed to, crying and talking to him, sobbing for him, never once putting it together that I never would have done that in the past. I would never have walked around in the empty house, I would have stayed in the bedroom. I never even thought for a second that maybe it was because I never felt alone. That maybe I was wrapped up in the warm loving energy of Evan Mudd. 

I never once looked at my phone, but merely surrendered to the moment. Talking and crying still, asking him to come to sleep in bed with me.

I woke up 7 hours later. For the first time since he died, I went to sleep and slept without help from medication. I woke up in that bedroom to the beautiful ocean outside in the winter weather, feeling well rested and so peaceful. 

Overwhelmed by the power of my feelings the night before, I took the time to message his Mom, letting her know everything was done, that I had made it back home, and was taking the time to rest my leg. I started describing to her where I was and the importance of it in mine and Evi’s relationship, while looking around the room… 

…And suddenly it dawns on me that last night, unknowingly guided by what can only be the love of Evi, I had unintentionally set the scene for my heart to heal. 

Though the walk-in closet was empty and full of space, I had coincidentally hung his handsome man shirt up on the shelf by the windows, directly in front of me. His comforter I had laid on the bed, and his backpack sat just over there on the floor. I set the speaker that was identical to Evi’s on the bedside table, completely blind to having no intention of ever turning it on for myself, but that speaker never seemed to stop playing music when he was alive. 

My pillow, special only to me, is something I never travel without. It had a huge role in our life because I forever left it places and we’d have to stop everything to go back and get it. It now always contains Evi’s sweatpants inside it, because love and loss make you do weird things, and I loved those sweatpants on him. I had laid them out on the bed next to me. 

And looking around the room, I remembered that today marked the third month anniversary of his death. And the bedroom looks as if he was here, just hanging out in another room. 

It looks like he’s here… because he WAS here. He IS here. Just in another room. Waiting for me!

It felt like what it must be like to feel an awakening, the closest thing to a spiritual experience that I have ever felt. I suddenly couldn’t believe I never realized I walked around crying and talking to him last night, never feeling alone, because he was there with me. His handsome man shirt that I had kept hanging in his apartment because no place had felt right at the time, now hung in plain view. 

His backpack was on the floor, only because I weirdly brought it as a carry-on for the plane, and moaned about how heavy it was with too many zippers, questioning the whole trip why the hell I had chosen it. Clearly all for this moment right now.

His sweatpants next to me. My suitcases sitting as if I had come on any other work trip to see him. His shirt. His backpack. His speaker. His comforter. The way the weather looked out outside, the same as it was when it all began. As if he was just in the shower, about to come to get dressed. 

This was the most alive, the world could possibly let him be. I felt him all around, so calm and comforting, and just like when he was alive and never wasted a moment of opportunity to make me feel like the most loved and special girl in the whole world- he made me feel that way again. 

There’s no doubt in my mind, that every one of those little coincidences that had happened to lead me to this one incredible moment, on the 3 month anniversary of his death, carrying the weight of the world in my soul and drowning in sorrow, was actually no coincidence at all. 

The incredible love of Evan Mudd that I knew to be so real, that made me feel so special and beautiful and loved, would never want to leave me with his death as my last memory. 

He would never want me to doubt that our love wasn’t as real as it felt. That he was always there beside me, and everything was gonna be ok. 

And just like he put me in this room a little over a year ago, he found a way to put me in it again. 

The place I would find all the memories I was so scared to forget, and the proof I needed so badly to be certain that one day I would see him again. 

Just like all the times he showed up to surprise me when I thought he was too far away to be with, this is just another surprise visit, so much his style, making it feel even more real. 

The only word I can possibly use for this lucky coincidence of a million small coincidences would have to be… a MIRACLE! 

It’s nothing short of a miracle that everything that’s told to console you, could be experienced in such a way to really make you believe it. 

That our love never goes away… I really needed him to show me. That he’s always there beside me…I needed so badly to see for myself, the tangible proof. 

I’ve always known he would never want me to be the saddest girl in the whole world, that he wants me to be able to be just as amazing as he believed me to be. 

But you can’t do that with a heavy heart. 

Sometimes you need a miracle. 

Not a moment too soon or too late. 

Too soon, and I don’t know if that part of you is ready to see the message yet. You gotta get sad first, as sad as your love was strong. Maybe you’re not ready to see until you’re ready to stop crying.

Don’t get me wrong, I still cry all day. But sometimes I really think it’s not because I’m sad, but because I’m overwhelmed with love. Because I knew it was that real, and that strong, but it was time for a gentle reminder not ever to doubt what I already know to be true.

There are not enough words in the world to express the gratitude I feel about being one of the lucky few that get to feel the power of a love like that.

I’m sitting here in this bed right now, looking out at the ocean, finding it just another weird coincidence that just over a year later, my life still looks almost exactly the same. My children still keep me tied to New Zealand, I’m still visiting orcas, it’s the same bedroom, same time of year… but I’m an ENTIRELY different human. 

I’m now a girl reliving her own love story, a fairytale made just for me. And that is something I am SO GRATEFUL for because it can never be taken away. 

Evi, you were my Prince Charming, finally here at last…. and that’s how you shall always be.

It seems to be exactly Evan Mudd style, to show you he loves you, by showing you what you’re really worth to the world, what you’re actually capable of. That’s his superpower. Nature blessed me with unfaltering optimism and gave me the worlds hardest test… my kryptonite. He must have believed in me so much, and when I couldn’t believe in myself, that even in death he pushed back, just showing me all the time that I could do it! 

He was my rare gift in true love and brought to life that Princess inside me, and then his death became my first experience with loss; the worlds hardest blow first, and in turn, preparing me to become a warrior as well.

Losing him opened my eyes to just how valuable that gift would be when clearly the whole reason for living is to love and loving means to never stop despite knowing that one massive flaw… if you have a loving heart it will break. 

And then your heart will fix it with love again, because “if love got you in, only love will get you out”…. and then again, and again…. and I suppose a real warrior Princess could be defined by this balancing act of heroism, which is always knowing the possibility of heartbreaking outcomes every time, but always choosing to love her hardest all the time, anyway. 

        “If love got you in, only love will get you out”. -Amber Langworthy

The silver linings left behind from my hearts fatal blow are everywhere; found in gifts of courage and strength, a love story to last eternity… and to slow down and take the time to really look closely at the beauty in the magic of the details that the universe continues to leave for you, reminders of their love that still very much exists, that it has never gone away and you will not be forgotten…

I can hear him say it still, so clearly,  the way he used to remind me, “it’s all about the details.” 

So once it’s not so damn fresh and raw and painful, and AGONISING to really come to terms with never seeing you again. Once the tears are more controllable and it’s possible for me to somehow find a new “normal” in all this sadness, the memory that remains will be… 

…how shamelessly and passionately we loved, equal in our love and perfect in my mind. 

Every day that passes, is a day I still love you more than the last, Evi.

You hold all of my love in the world.♥ 

Thank you for reading this beautiful love story about tragedy, and hope. If you would like your story told please visit the contact page for more details. ♥

Amber Langworthy

Amber grew up in little Orcas Island in the San Juan’s between Washington and Canada. After 17 years of being a hairstylist in both America and New Zealand, her passions now lie with making women feel good in their own skin with a little help through their hair, writing, spirituality, and embracing organic health while still maintaining some badass recreational standards! Amber currently resides in Ohope, New Zealand with her 3 sons and exotic tri color Persian cat; while working from home in her own hair salon.